Sarcasm is one more service we offer
by Fayth3
Summary: Rose and the Doctor get locked in a cell and locked in a battle of wits... pity only one of 'em's armed.
1. Chapter 1

Rose glared at the Doctor's back as he pointed the sonic screwdriver at the cell bars and an odd sense of déjà vu came over her.

She folded her arms. "It didn't work last time, so what makes you think it's going to work now?"

He ignored her.

"Look, are you gonna be mad at me for long because, gotta say, it's a bit childish."

He spared her one long glare over his shoulder and went straight back to attempting to resonate concrete.

"And here I thought this body was slightly less inclined to get the arse. Must be a Time Lord thing. In the manual is it? Rude, not ginger and moody. "

He dignified that with a sniff and Rose narrowed her eyes.

"You'll have to speak to me eventually, ya know. It isn't like it's my fault. I thought would be over it by now."

"And I thought you, Rose Tyler, would know better." He exploded. "I mean after all the worlds and planets we visit, all those cultures and societies all with their own rules."

"Well, excuse me if I didn't realise that this was one who outlawed music."

"Seditious music!"

She wrinkled her nose. "What's seditious?"

He didn't pause in his ministrations at the cell wall, despite knowing that it was useless. "Seditious: subversive, treasonous, rebellious. Speech or action threatening authority of state. Conduct or language inciting to rebellion!"

Rose gaped at him. "It wasn't seditious!"

"In a male dominated society where women should be seen and not heard, you sing possibly the worst song possible!"

"The Shoop shoop song is not seditious!"

He put the sonic screwdriver down and headed over to her, watching her shiver slightly in the cool prison air.

"It advocates women taking the lead and … and initiating sexual contact. All of which are illegal on this planet."

"Then they need to get enlightened then don't they?" she snapped back.

"And who are you to judge that? What happened to leaving cultures to progress naturally? Hmm?" He planted his hands on his hips.

"I'm sorry, aren't we here to prevent a riot? Interfering with the course of history?"

A pause.

"That's different."

"Of course it is." Rose smirked at him.

"My actions are strictly to stop a President being assassinated, a riot forming causing an Intergalactic War and lots of people dying," he insisted. "Whereas your actions seem to be to instruct the women to hug him and squeeze him tight! A potentially catastrophic action in this period in time!"

"Look, I've had that song in my head all day, I didn't even realise I was singing. And you can talk; who went around the whole of Ancient Mesopotamia with "Walk like an Egyptian" stuck in his head? Talk about seditious. That nearly got us Mummified!"

The Doctor pointed at her in the way he did when he knew he was in the wrong. "You … you … that's not the point."

Rose grinned. "I think you'll find it is, Mr. Double-standard."

"I'm a Time Lord—"

"And therefore incapable of getting anything wrong?"

"Yes. No. That's not—"

"Logic let me introduce you to this window; Hello, Mr. Gelth, yes please come invade Earth, nah its okay you're a peace loving race and there's only a few of you."

His eyes narrowed. "Here, Adam, have my TARDIS key and get a head implant, it'll all be okay."

Oh, so he wanted to play did he? Well Rose was game for that.

"Don't worry, Rose," she mocked. "It's only been twelve hours."

"Previous regeneration," he said with a smug air. "Doesn't count."

"1979, hell of a year!" Her voice was scarily accurate.

He opened his mouth and closed it again.

"Cat- Nun got your tongue?" Rose sassed.

He glared at her. "Fine so I don't always get things right, I'm not God."

"'bout time you realised that. It only took you 900 years; most blokes catch on little bit faster."

"You're not exactly little Miss Wonderful yourself, you know."

"Never said I was. Just said you was stuck with me," she shot back quick as a flash. He really needed to find less smart-mouthed companions.

"Were stuck with me."

"What?"

"Grammar, Rose. You _were_ stuck with me. Not was."

She smiled. "You can't win an argument so you're picking on syntax?"

He stared at her baffled. "How can you not know what seditious is, but understand syntax?"

"Oh, I don't know," Rose grinned. "Someone once told me I was the best."

He snorted derisively. "Someone also used to wear odd socks."

"What, really?"

He winced. "Shouldn't have told you that."

"My Doctor? Leather jacket, bad-ass attitude and mismatched socks," she broke into giggles.

"Compared to what some of my regenerations have worn it really wasn't so odd, you know." He was thinking frock coats, clown trousers, and velvet opera capes. He hoped Rose never found out about those. "I was always at the forefront of fashion."

Just a few decades out.

Rose stared at him pityingly. "Just because no one in their right mind would wear it, doesn't make it hip."

He resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at her. But only just. "Besides what do you mean 'My' Doctor?"

"My: adjective meaning belonging to me. Mine. Possessive article." She stuck her tongue out. "Not just a pretty face you know."

"So I belong to you then, do I?" He wasn't sure how he felt about that.

"Don't be daft." She rolled her eyes. "You belong to you."

He blinked. "Am I supposed to be this confused?"

"You'll get used to it." Off his look Rose sighed. "It's simple, even Mister Thick Thick Thickity Thick Face from Thicktown, Thickania could get it. He was My Doctor. You are yours … or the TARDIS's I'm not quite sure. You stroke her a lot more this time around."

"She needs delicate sensitive care and … so why am I not your Doctor?" He knew how he felt about that.

"Is this even important?"

"It might be."

They stood and stared at each other.

"You know," Rose said after a moment. "You really should take drugs. That way you'd have an excuse for acting weird."

"Oi!" he tried not to laugh, but it was getting harder to do. "I suppose you think you're so clever?"

"Why argue with genetics?"

"I can think of one very good reason," he muttered. "His name's Mickey Smith."

Rose smacked his arm and grinned. "You're so gay sometimes, besides we were actually arguing about my singing which isn't the end of the world, you know. Why were you so mad about it?"

He allowed her to shift the conversation. "Fine. It's the principle of the thing. I mean I've got locked up for a lot of things, some I deserved, some I really didn't. I've even been committed once or maybe three… not the point" he pointed at her mischievous face in warning before she could say anything. "But in all my years I don't think I've ever been locked up because of Cher. The Twentieth century gave some classic songs; Bohemian Rhapsody,"

"Oh and singing "Mama, just killed a man" would have given us a free pass to the Presidents room would it?"

"Fair point," he allowed, "but what about Hound Dog, I wanna hold your hand, River of Dreams, Imagine—"

"Barbie Girl," Rose added with a grin and the Doctor huffed.

"So there have been one or two set-backs and the least said about the nineties the better, but all that culture and all those great love songs; why that ridiculous one in your head?"

"The Shoop Shoop song isn't ridiculous. It's catchy and fun." Rose protested.

The Doctor sighed, looking down at his scuffed shoes. "Is it accurate?"

"What?" Rose was nonplussed at that.

"I mean can you really tell a man loves you by the way he kisses?"

"Oh no," Rose held up her hands. "I'm not going to stand here and dissect the song with you."

"Why not?" He didn't have to pretend the hurt in his voice. "You got something better to do?"

Rose pointed to the steel bars. "Aren't you supposed to be getting us out?"

He shrugged. "Resonating concrete wasn't working, doors are deadbolt sealed. We'll have to wait until they come get us."

"So we're stuck?"

"All hail Queen of the Obvious!"

Rose rolled her eyes at him and looked around for somewhere to sit.

The Doctor shrugged off his coat and laid it against one wall so they could sit side by side against the cell wall.

Rose shivered and he edged closer, giving her some of his body warmth.

"And you couldn't have mentioned that earlier?"

He shrugged again and sighed with it. "Didn't see the point. Got to allow you some hope or you get all mopey."

"So says the one who sulked about a plant not eating me."

"George is a man-eating plant," he said somewhat sulkily, remembering the scene. "He's not supposed to rock my companions to sleep."

"You're just jealous he liked me better."

"Was not."

"How High School are you? 100, 150 I'm seeing pigtails, frilly skirt."

"Good God, woman, do you remember everything I've ever said?"

"Pretty much," Rose stuck her tongue between her teeth and grinned at him.

He grinned back. "So now we've got a few minutes you can explain to me the workings of the female mind."

"We are always right. Men are wrong. Even when we're wrong we're right and even when men are right they're wrong. Never tell them that they're right because the universe will implode. We reserve the right to be wrong but should never be challenged on it and can change out minds on any point at any point and we will continue to be right."

The Doctor gaped. "But … but… that doesn't make sense."

"I know; where have you been?" She gave him her best 'you-do-know-you're-stupid-right™' look.

"So how can any man win then?"

"He can't; were you not paying attention?" Rose suddenly laughed. "Don't look so confused, if women were simple they wouldn't be women."

"What'd they be?"

"Men."

"Fine!" He threw his hands up in defeat. "I've travelled with enough women to know when to withdraw."

Rose bit her lip.

"Rose Tyler! You have a filthy mind!"

She threw back her head and laughed. "Sorry, couldn't resist."

They sat in comfortable silence for a while before he spoke up again.

"I mean what's a kiss tell you anyway?"

Rose rolled her eyes in exasperation. "It's a song."

"But you were singing it which must mean you agree with it even a little."

"If I'd have been thinking I should have sung 'I predict a riot'."

"And get hailed a prophetess?" he grinned. "Nah, being a seditionist is far more fun. So is she saying go around and kiss every man randomly? I mean what can it say other than I hope you don't have a cold sore?"

"Are we still on that?" Rose sighed. "She's saying that other ways blokes try to tell you that they like you don't work and can be, you know, misinterpreted. You can't do a kiss half-hearted and the other person not know. If someone doesn't think of you like that it is in his kiss."

"Really?" he frowned. "So things like hugging and saving your life can be misunderstood," off her look her hastily added, "for example."

"Well," Rose settled back. "The chorus says 'is it in his eyes?' and she says 'no' that eyes can be deceiving. Which they can. Soulful stares and all that are good but once his eyes are off you, are they on some other woman? Plus who knows what's going on behind them? You can lie with your eyes. Say it's all gonna be all right when its not."

Her voice trailed off as if she was thinking of something sad and he cleared his throat to bring her back to the here and now.

"Then 'is it in his sighs?' Sighs? What does that even mean?"

"I think it's the way he talks, you know breathing and that. Words anyone can say and not mean."

"Like love?" He looked away focusing on the way the bars had not responded to his attempted resonations at all.

Rose eyed him. "Like 'I'll always be there', like 'I won't forget you', like 'I'll take you to Barcelona.'"

"I meant to," he protested indignantly. "Something got in my way, you know, like dying."

"Excuses!" Her grin softened the words and they just stared at each other happily for a moment.

He loved her smart mouth. It was one of the things about her that made her so special. Her witty retorts and quick-fire wit made his blood burn and his toes curl.

A good slagging match was great for getting the blood moving … and other parts as well.

Rose was the first to look away, a pink tinge to her cheeks and he smiled to himself.

"So then what about the way he looks at you … her."

"In his face?" Rose ignored his slip. "Just his charms. Some men flirt just by breathing. You think you're the one and only and end up being one of many."

That one he wasn't touching with a bargepole.

"His arms? Surely that means something."

"Hugging?" She grinned. "I'm sorry; did you have a thing for Zach?"

The Doctor was thrown. "What? Who?"

"The Captain you were hugging on that Planet with the black hole. We could always go find him. I remember someone saying "Hug anyone, me" and you do. Lynda with a y on Satellite 5 or that old lady after the Olympics, you even hugged my mum!" Rose paused. "Do you have a thing for Jackie?"

The Doctor looked faintly ill. "There are limits, Rose, and you can be very sick sometimes."

Rose grinned. "Don't need your permission. I mean you hugged Mickey—"

"Okay, point taken," he interrupted before she could question his motives about her friend, "and you're starting to scare me. Should I check you for a hidden video recorder?"

Rose smiled. "Just saying that hugging's easy."

"So says someone who's never tried to hug a cactus."

She stared at him. "You've hugged a cactus?"

"It was a long desert and a lonely regeneration."

Rose laughed out loud, the sound echoing around the cell, the Doctor loved that sound and shifted a little closer, hoping that she wasn't getting too cold.

"Then barring his hugs, his eyes, his face and words surely there's another way for you to be sure? Actions speak louder and all that?"

Rose shook her head and then paused. "Some, I guess, but everyone makes mistakes. For example, say there's these two friends, we'll call them…"

"Proctor and Drose?"

Rose giggled. "Yeah okay. So Proctor and Drose are best mates, yeah?"

"Yeah, the best."

"And Proctor happens to have this time machine."

"Lucky bloke."

"Drose asks him to take her back to see her dad who died years ago and he does it. He shows by his actions that he loves her, yeah?"

The Doctor was silent.

Rose continued. "She is dead grateful but does something really stupid and Proctor gets mad. Drose has upset her best friend; he says some stuff to her and storms off leaving her all alone, stranded. Actions- she hurt him but didn't mean to. He hurt her but didn't mean to and yet he still loved her."

"How can you be sure" the Doctor asked softly.

Rose smiled to herself. "It's like the song says. It's in his kiss. Even if it was to take the Vortex out of me, even if it was to save the universe, it was there."

"You remember that?" He seemed embarrassed.

"Yup," she turned her head to offer him a smile. "Took me a while but dreams and flashbacks brought it all back."

He reached up to scratch the back of his head. "We kissed too, ya know."

Rose nodded. "I remember. She grabbed hold of you, god, I don't think you've ever been so scared."

"I wasn't scared!"

"Trembling at the knees, you were," Rose teased. "Oncoming storm? Jelly more like."

"I wasn't scared! I was… I was … I was shocked. Insensate. Stunned."

Rose merely smiled.

"Still," he said offhandedly, "wasn't all bad."

She gaped at him. "You stood there like a lemming."

"In my defence I had just come out of a regeneration thinking my friend was going to leave me. Next thing I know she's trying to extract my tonsils with her tongue. Can't blame a bloke for being a bit slow of the uptake!" He paused, frowning. "Hold on, is that why you say I'm not your Doctor because I didn't kiss you back, even though it wasn't you?"

Rose suddenly looked uncomfortable. "I never said that."

His mouth dropped open. "It is! It is, Rose Tyler, you think I didn't want to kiss you back."

"Did you?" She went on the offensive.

He opened his mouth to reply, but before he could do so the cell door opened and the Dregoridan Chieftain edged in, his pincers opening and closing with each breath. "You are to be released."

"Top banana!" The doctor enthused, jumping to his feet and pulling Rose with him. "I knew it was all a mistake. Rose doesn't know the meaning of seditious! Well, she does now, but that's not the point! So we can go?"

Rose shook her head and dusted off her trousers.

"It has been declared, by some," he sneered indicating that he wasn't one, "that you're alien-ness exempts you on a first case offence. Your … primate was unaware of our laws of proper behaviour."

"Crickey!" the Doctor beamed. "Hear that, Primate?"

"I don't know what your problem is," Rose retorted to the Chieftain, "but I bet it's hard to pronounce."

The Chieftain snarled. "Your presence here, female is an insult."

"I'd insult you better, but you wouldn't understand."

The Doctor poked her. "Uh, Rose. You're being rude and I'm pretty sure that's my job."

Rose waved her hand. "Sorry, I'd hate to deprive a village of its idiot."

It took a moment for the Doctor to realise he'd been insulted and with a broad grin he grabbed her arm and planted his lips on hers, devouring her mouth with intensity. He pulled away with a satisfied air.

"Well?"

Rose blinked away the stars and shook the clouds from her head. "What?"

He gestured to their lips. "It's in his kiss?"

"As I suspected!" boomed the Dregoridan. "Licentious and rude, seditious behaviour! There shall be no pardon!" He slammed the cell door leaving Rose and the Doctor in the cold cell again.

Rose folded her arms and glared at the Doctor. "We were almost out!"

He shrugged. "I wanted to kiss you."

A smile played around her lips. "Well, now we're stuck again."

"Oh, I think we can find some way of passing the time." He edged forward, giving her his best sexy look.

Rose leaned into him, slipping her hands under his jacket and sliding around his waist.

"Oh, me too."

He closed his eyes and moved in to kiss her again, only to feel her step back.

His eyes flew open to see Rose brandishing his sonic screwdriver.

"You can start by getting us out."


	2. Chapter 2

To Lumina- If you read this as you didn't leave a way for me to contact you.

In "World War 3" Rose says to the Doctor when they are on the rooftop- "You are so gay!" She didn't mean it as a an insult then and the Doctor didn't correct her either. in 2005 it was just another phrase.

I was using it in the same vein as she had already had.

I'm sorry if you found it offensive, it truly wasn't intended that way- just another way to fix in mind that it was Rose by using things that she had said before.

I do not wish you to think me homophobic or willing to insult another's sexual preference.

Apologies if anyone was insulted.

Fayth3


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